No place

As I laid on the couch again watching cartoons again. I saw the notification on my phone pop up for VIP email. As I moved the screen I could see the familiar address. I saw it everyday for 2 years. I spaced out in thought. “It’s been years what could he possibly want? Why message me now? I’m finally in a good place. A healthy relationship.” I have no place in my life for this ex. Not as a friend. Occasional “hi. How are you?” No.

He was my first Dom after having my son. He saved me. I was in a terrible place then. I was 22 and my ex husband had walked out and I was being thrown into raising a child alone. I spent my nights in a drunken stupor. Random hook ups any chance I got. And then He found me. It was different. I didn’t offer my submission. He saw a mess and he immediately stepped in. He set rules, tasks, expectations and just like that I got better. I’ve thanked him time and time again. I may not be typing this if he hadn’t disregarded protocol.

But today I utilized SIRI. She’s a helpful little tool. “Siri delete unread VIP email.” And just like that it was gone.

A quiet day

The last several nights I’ve woken up from nightmares. I’m sleep deprived. My little is out in full force because of both. So I’ve been quiet today. It’s easier that way. Lonely but easier. I’m curled up with my blankie and grinch with a pretty bow in my hair watching cartoons.

I don’t think this is it

As different thoughts surface I write them down. I will muddle through the cluster fuck that is my thoughts. I feel like Atreyu in The NeverEnding story. When he is trying to get through the tar? Quicksand? Black icky stuff.

So current thought is “actions speak louder than words “. I know this has everything to do with Saturday. I crossed a line with Sir. I know I said I wouldn’t go into much detail with this in an earlier post. I brought His feelings towards me into question. I love this Man. He has me body, mind, heart, and soul. I needed to hear He felt the same. I understand some things make Him uncomfortable. This situation was one of them. But I needed to know. I needed to know the Man I love so differently than I’ve ever loved anyone else at least felt somewhat the same. W/we are heading towards collaring. I’ve never been collared. I’ve never been willing to make that kind of long term commitment with a Dom. With Him I want that commitment but I needed answers.

Someone once told me that guys have a weird way of showing affection but if they are showing some then you must mean something to them.

Another one of those

I start and delete. Start and delete. Over and over. I wish whatever it is in the back of mind would just surface. Just come out and be. I need some light shed on the fog.

Maybe somewhere along this journey I started lying to myself. Maybe I have a suppressed feeling.

Whatever it is it’s ruining me. I thought I found it so I wrote it down on a piece of paper. It wasn’t it.

I was born and raised in the boondocks

I’m a country girl. I would rather fish than shop. Camping is a way of life starting Memorial Day weekend. I could never give up meat because deer and buffalo taste too good. Camo is sexy. Loud trucks jacked up. Mud and dirt. Country boys with farmers tans. Bonfires and beer.

Alright I’m done now. I’m just excited to visit home.

Failing

For personal reasons involving my munchkin I won’t get to see Sir while I’m on vacation. I’m upset. He’s upset. I feel like I’ve failed. I can’t abandon my munchkin though when he needs me. That is the one thing that will never change. I’m his only parent and will never turn my back on him.

Well this shall be an unenjoyable vaca. 😦

A journey on hold..

Why is it some guys see submissive and whore is the first thing that pops into their narrow minds? Or weak? Or that demanding control is how it works?

Keep in mind that on my okc page I have specifically stated I have no interest in guys.

I’m not a whore. I’m His whore. And no I don’t want to have your baby. What kinda freak?

I’m not weak. I have moments that I break down but I’m far from weak. I raise a child on my own. I keep a job that I’m unhappy at to ensure I can financially provide for my child. I try my damnedest to be a better person for my child.

Submissive does not make me weak. I’ve made a choice in my life to let my Partner lead me. To control me. A control that He earned. He accepted the gift of my submission. And soon I will accept His collar.

You see I am not weak. I don’t enjoy random sex with random narrow minded guys. That doesn’t make me a bitch or a fake.

How is it in a society that is more sexually open than any before there is still so many narrow minded people?!

I think it’s a good time for a break on the journey. I have an amazing Man to visit soon and that’s all that matters right now.

Last attempt to make it through.

I’ve started writing this several times today only to get a little bit in and start crying and discard the post. I’m terrified to post being this emotional.

I’m not willing to go into much detail but the emotional roller coaster started last night with Sir. He asked a question and I gave an honest answer. Honest. Too honest. But I couldn’t stop myself. He asked and I couldn’t even remotely sugar coat my answers. He wants my honesty and I gave it. It killed me and still does. I’m still crying. I’ve cried behind closed doors every chance I’ve had since last night.

At a high point on my roller coaster ride this morning I found out I was not selected as employee of the year. A lady who covered the front end one day during a snow storm got it. A day that we lost money because it cost more to run the store and pay who was there than we made in sales. Livid. I rearranged my life multiple times this last year to come in on days off, work both departments to cover for them. I cancelled my appointment with a surgeon to remove a lump on my breast because somebody called in. An appointment I have yet to be able reschedule. The lump is gone but it does make sense to do another ultrasound to check under the skin. But they only do breast once a month and I haven’t been able to get back on the schedule.

That’s 3 right? Bad things happen in 3s.

A broken pinky, I swear.

As I sat in the ER answering question after question the nurse got to “do you feel safe in your home?” Straight faced I replied. “My five year old slammed a door on my pinky finger because I asked him to take a shower. Right now I don’t know how I feel about my home.”

Double pinky promises are some serious shit anyways!

Eventually I will catch a break !

Foggy crossroads

I’m planning a trip to see Sir next week. I’m excited. I’m also indifferent (?). After a decade I think I’m reaching a crossroads. It’s very unsettling. Unexplainable.