A deep breath

I’ve taken several since everything happened. 

I’ve given lots of thought to what’s next. 

It was hard to forgive Him. 

It took me years to finally get to this point in my life though. 

This point where I’m so sure of who I am. 

What I want. 

And who I want it with. 

He has dealt with me disappearing on Him for years. 

The last 4 years I’ve been moving to this point.

 Everything has always revolved around Him. 

Even though He doesn’t know it. 

I needed to be so put together to be His. 

To be capable of anticipating His needs, wants, desires all at His whim. 

To be one step ahead. 

This entire situation set me back. I was so heartbroken. I had been working so hard to be what He needed for 4 years. I sampled several Dom’s. Knowing they weren’t it. 

I had to grow and settle down. Get myself under control so I could be under His control. Fully. Completely. Wholly. 

My disappearing caused a lot of damage. A lot of disappointment. A lot of doubts. 

In my own unorthodox way I disappeared for Him. To be capable of the long term He wants I needed to grow. 

I’ve never doubted He was for me. Ever since the first day I talked to Him. A simple “hello neighbor” on fetlife. The conversation progressed. The feelings and desires built. We meshed well and it was an instant spark. I put off meeting Him many times. Seeing Him occasionally in public. Most recently last August while He was shopping with His wife out of town. I was back to school shopping with my broken foot for the munchkin. I felt His presence before I even saw Him. 

That’s how it’s supposed to be. 

I detached from the world for awhile after that. I needed to recover and prepare to present myself again. 

It was hard to forgive Him. When I looked at everything I had put Him through the situation seemed so minimal. Compared to my 4 years of causing Him disappointment over and over and over. 

So here W/we are. Retraining myself for Him for the last time as W/we prepare for the next.  

Leaving

I’ve decided I need to leave my comfort zone. The thought of doing so makes me incredibly uncomfortable. And on top of that where do I even begin. Where do I look? 

After today I’ve decided there can’t be anymore going back to exes. They became an ex for a reason. 

And I’m finally calm enough to share…

I’ve been talking with a potential Dom. We’ve known each other for 4 years. Timing has never been right. This time felt different. I felt so unbelievably ready. He had told me right off that he was talking to another sub and I had said I would never stand in the way if he was more drawn to her. All he had to do was say he was more drawn to her. Just be honest with me. He had asked what my intentions were. I had asked if I could hold off on answering till after I had my lab results back. He seemed fine. My appointment was Monday and Tuesday was a snow day so I wasn’t online much. Between him asking and my appointment he has told me she wasnt going to work for him. Wednesday I went to check my fetlife before emailing him. There it was. She was his. I was crushed. I’ve never felt this. I’ve never felt so disregarded. And I’ve been with some shitty people. 

I emailed as normal. Never giving him my answers. Hoping he would tell me. By 10:30 pm he hadn’t. 

I’ve gone ape shit on him multiple times today. 

There isn’t enough sorrys. There is no salvaging. There is no excuse. There is no more respect. 

So here I am. Feeling a little better. A little less crappy. 

And half ready to begin searching for better. 

Me

I forgive too easily. Forget though never. I’m not perfect. I’ve done a lot that makes me not deserve happiness. That doesn’t mean I don’t strive for it. To be honest I’m happy. With life. With myself. By myself. 

I’m not on fetlife often but checked it today. And there it was. A newly rekindled relationship I was told was over. “Going nowhere” was his exact words. So you will never again be a potential. You will never again have my attention. I hope one day your wife figures you out and your slave’s soon to be husband figures her out. 

What is it..

I’ve known you for four years. 

You’ve wanted to own me. You’ve asked me to be your slave. You’ve never demanded it. You’ve never pushed. You’ve always been honest. 

But what you forget is… I’m not a masochist. I won’t put myself in a situation I know I’ll be uncomfortable in. So yes I’ve walked away. 

So what is it about me that brings out the sadist in you? 

Does it always happen that I want to give it another shot as your getting out of something?

I know it frustrates you to have a potential and they go poof. 

I’ve always been understanding. I know your life isn’t perfect. I know most would look at your situation and turn away. 

So your married. 

Do I remind you of her?

You tell me how bad things are. And at every turn one of you is trying to escape. I know the obvious isn’t practical for you two. 

So what is it about me? 

My happy place

I’ve been coping with anxiety. For years. As of recently it’s over taken me. It’s been so bad I’ve cancelled a “date” three times. I can tell every time that he dislikes me a little more and yet he keeps asking me out. He is vanilla. I was completely open with him about who I am last year. The few times I’ve been in his bed he has tried to incorporate that. Nothing completely out there. He listened though. As he was gentle with me the first time I admitted to faking it. The second time as I derobed he caught me off guard. He grabbed both nipples and pinched hard and pulled me towards him with a little twist.

I do breathing exercises to get me through the day. And Friday I started yoga. Till I find exactly what I need and want. I have to find a way to feel free.

I started writing this on Friday. I vowed a weekend without being online. And as I lay here on this frigid Sunday morning watching the world brighten up I think it was a good thing. A vow I’ll make more often. It definitely helped my anxiety. To the point that I’m going out tomorrow night.

Not reading everyone’s profound (or so they think) status updates has given me the ability to not wish… bad things on them for their stupidity.

I’m in the process of making my personal space more peaceful. It’s going to take a lot of decluttering but it’ll be for the best.

I know in past years I’ve coped well with my anxiety. I’ve always belonged to someone. The pain and pleasure they gave me balanced my anxiety. The invisible disease was given a chance to overtake me since I have been on my own for a year.

I’m still unsure about N. As I’ve calmed myself the last few days I started thinking… Maybe there is too much there.

Too much past.

Too much disappointment.

Too many secrets.

Too many walls.

Too much distance for this new point in my life.

Too much of something’s and not enough of what I need and want.

I won’t see it..

As I prepared last week for the 3 birthday parties of the most important (little) man in my life I was asked if I thought I could take a break from it all and go see 50 shades of grey. I’m still at a point where I don’t want to see it. Especially not with a vanilla male. I find Jamie Dornan incredibly attractive but it’s not enough for me to sit through the movie.

So now as I’ve read thoughts of family and friends on facebook. I even more don’t wish to see it. I come from an extremely religious family so most of them have taken their vow of not watching it a little too far by putting down the lifestyle altogether. Everyone is allowed their own opinion.

Has anyone noticed in the three most popular movies involving BDSM the main male character has the last name Gray (9 1/2 weeks), Grey (The Secretary), and Grey (50 shades)?

It’s like I can breath again

Stress. This must have been what was causing my huge lack of sexual desire. I messed up my munchkin’s birthday invite and had to quickly print “oops” and as I laid awake Sunday night/Monday morning slowly watching time pass I admitted defeat. I admitted everything was completely overwhelming me and I simply messed up. It was an easy fix of course.

A weight was lifted though.

I smiled and took a deep breath.

It was sudden and amazing. A warmth I hadn’t felt in months.

I. Was. Horny.

Now it’s a constant. It’s like I was a virgin all over again. I was feeling this new sensation for the first time (in a long time anyways) and it’s just such an amazing feeling that it won’t go away.

At 4:30 am there wasn’t really anyone I could share my literal excitement with. So I waited and waited. As I looked through my contacts it seemed pointless.

N.

That’s exactly who I wanted to tell. I adore this man. Regardless of what W/we are now I still carry the same respect for Him as I did when W/we were U/us. And as I hoped he used the word. The word that anyone else in the world could say to me and it wouldn’t phase me. Weeks of training with the word and the outcome now is stronger than before.

I’ve tried many times to separate from the lifestyle and just when I think I’m finally capable of different we reconcile.

So here’s to year eleven.